March 25, 2003 - 4:36 p.m.
Betrayal is part of the human cycle. We believe and then we are decieved. Or sometime we may even lend a hand, only to be slapped in the face. I am having difficulty expressing my feelings towards this. On one hand, I am angry, and on a totally different end of the spectrum, I knew it was going to happen. I was expecting it.
I have trusted Sarah and April even though my closest friends do not like them. I defended them when Gabby and Ren told me things about April I thought were untrue. I stuck up for Sarah when my friends made fun of her. "She's changed," I told them.
Yeah, into a total idiot.
I was talking to my friends Catherine when we started talking about Sarah, April, and Britney.
"They've changed so much. They don't include us in anything, they don't tell us anything, and all of a sudden Sarah is smoking pot with April."
"What?" I must have snorted into my lunch. How perfect. They lied to me. I talked to April earlier that day, confronted her about the things I heard people say about her. I told her I knew they weren't true, and that she was clean now. Yeah right. All lies...
Catherine immeadiately told me, telling me that she thought I knew and not to tell and how it was all supposed to be a secret and how she was glad I knew now and how she hoped I was clean too. Which I am.
After school, I called Gabby and I told her everything. And then she laughed and said she knew it and we joked about everything, because things are easier to take if you do so humorously. Remind me to always take Gabby's word on any subject.
And that's when I decided not to go to Beach Bash, mostly because I'd rather be doing something else, but also because I don't feel the need to hang around with false friends when I have real ones.
I can't stand to look at them anymore. What fucking hypocrites. I thought they were good people. But freinds don't really do pot and then decide not to tell you.
Turns out Julie figured it out, too. And as much animosity as I've had for Julie, I've also developed respect. High school has changed her for the better, and she still continues to be my friend. We are both completely different and we each have our quirks, but she's there for me when I need her. And without Gabby, Kate, and Ren, I often feel a need for security, a need for someone who knows me.
Isn't it amazing how music can move you to tears. Damn you Yoko Kanno. I've listened to Hitomi's Theme once and I'm bawling. I need that box set of Escaflowne.
Which reminds me: The Cowboy Bebop movie comes out next week! Talk about something to raise my spirits!
