July 27, 2003 - 12:39 p.m.
My past few entries have just been me bitching. Which was sort of lame, I've had nothing to really be mad about. I'm not an unhappy person. In fact, I'm fairly content. I think I just wanted to rant about a lot of bullshit. But now, I'm stopping that pattern.
I worked all this weekend, and it actually wasn't that bad. Sure I dropped a few plates, got hit on by some old men, and had general bouts of clumsiness, but who doesn't?
I've worked at this restaurant for half a year now, and only now have I begun to feel truly accepted. No one likes working up there, but we all stay. Why? Because it's safe. Because once you get past a certain point, you're family. And no matter how badly you fuck up, you're in. No other job can promise that amount of security plus tips.
I've never had older brothers, but I am indefinately the baby sister of this topsy turvy family. The cooks, Mike and Justin, are the big brothers. Scott and Dustin, the other bussers, seem like evil twins. Usually our relationship consists of beating each other up, making fun of each other, spraying each other with the fire extinguisher, and occasionally, helping each other out.
When ever I drop something, Dustin is out there with a broom and dustpan, and I can always count on Scott to tell me to brush it off.
Mike and I usually joke around, but yesturday he actually said something that boredered on profound. And that's coming for a guy who only acts sober when he's been drinking.
"I need to tell you something, and I'm really serious," he tells me. This is Mike. The only time I've seen him serious is when he accidentally hit Scott and got him a bloody lip.
"Don't loser you virginity too soon, okay? Don't do it until you're ready. I was 18 when I lost mine, and I still wish I would have waited. And if you have already, just don't do it until you've met someone, you know."
I gave him a sarcastic, "Okay Mike."
"No, I'm serious," came his reply. His face was extemely thoughtful. Did I mention that he claims to "eat pussy for breakfast?" No? Well he does.
Anyway, it was weird. I never expected him to say anything like that.
But I've never really thought out it. I never set limits for myself, I never came up with a plan of action. "One my first date I will..." That just seems so lame. But there is an ever growing thought that I've been having for a while now.
I'm in high school. I'm going to be a sophmore this year. There's going to be girls all over the place losing their virginity.
It's not that I'm ready, or that I'm willing, or even that I want to. It's an uneasy feeling of not knowing when it's going to happen, or with whom, or how. It's knowing that I could learn to regret it. And what could I do after it's gone? It's like a shattered mirror; I can salvage the pieces and glue them together but I'll never be able to see my reflection again.
Britney told me about losing hers. She was in eighth grade. Didn't even have her period. It hurt, it sucked, and she got nothing out of it. Needless to say, she broke up with that boy and has gone out with many others. When she thinks that she loves them, she allows them to have their way with her. And then they break up, each parting with something. The boys gets to brag about how he got some, and Britney gets labeled even further as being a slut.
I don't want that.
But in two nights I made 42 dollars in tips, and that is sweet.
